Morning funny....

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,"I'd like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

Let's offend EVERYBODY !!

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie,
large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat
there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him 'I
wish I had your will power.'


A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry
about the wait.' I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose
it eventually. '



Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8
inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!



An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks What is
wrong?? The boy says Me ma is dead. Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you? The boy replies No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind
at the moment.



Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor
away..But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon
sandwich works best!



Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense
shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a
woman with her mouth closed.



Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees
a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I? The Irish
farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You're in that freckin
basket."

Some Really Bad ones........


I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by
turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole
thing. I converted to Islam and we're stoning her in the morning.
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The wife suggested I get myself one of those pecker enlargers, so I
did...she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
"pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and
I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
----------------------------------------------------------
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class
give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd
better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
-----------------------------------------------------------
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex
with me because she can't afford batteries

what a way to start the day

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.

Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished... Naturally, (since he was her husband.)

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.

He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

- "Did you dance much ?"

- "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."

dfree383 wrote:A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.

Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished... Naturally, (since he was her husband.)

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.

He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

- "Did you dance much ?"

- "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."

That is a good one.

A modern day cowboy named Bob has spent many days crossing the South Dakota prairies without water.

His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie named Patty. But she is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray outfit.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie, 'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy, "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

'OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish...'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

** *POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the U.S. government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

> BEST AUSSIE PICKUP LINE EVER:
>
>
> An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
>
> He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
>
> The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
>
> 'No', he replies,’ I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
>
> The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
>
> ''What's so special about it?'
>
> The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
>
> The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
>
> Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
>
> The woman giggles and replies
>
> 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
>
> The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
>
> ' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So,
how is everything going ?' inquired God.

It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets
are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful,
but I have just one problem..

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the
other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms,
catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a
real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body
came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc . She felt that
having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically
balanced'.

That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at
this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that
you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will
fix it up right away.

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into
the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of
Eden.

Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?

Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all
the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her
bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right.
How could I have overlooked this ? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did
I put that useless boob ?

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than the rib story ?

Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS..

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;

Metal, Wood, Stone, Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands,
she will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter
an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth...

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?









M&M's of course. Melts in your mouth..... Not in you hand.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
...
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!