Morning funny....

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Re: Morning funny....

Post  bbf-falcon on November 8th 2011, 8:28 pm

dave d wrote:One day I was doing a girl on her kitchen table. Suddenly the front door opened and she say's "thats my husband,quick try the back door!" Thinking back I probably should have ran but you don't get offers like that very often
Laughing

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Re: Morning funny....

Post  bbf-falcon on November 8th 2011, 8:30 pm

56Tbird wrote:While riding to the Winter tech seminar,4 Forum members and a little school girl were on a Airplane that suddenly developed Mech. difficulities.The plane was only carrying 4 parachutes.The first passenger (Charlie Evans) said,I'm the host of the seminar,I can't die.So he grabbed a chute and jumped. The second person (Nick Bruno)said I can't die because there would'nt be any one too keep the members from fighting.So he grabbed a chute and jumped.The third person (Richter69) said I can't die because I'm the smartest guy in the world and the Forum hErO,so he grabbed a chute and jumped. The Fourth member (Harold Webster)said to the little school girl.I have lived a very long and Happy life,and fulfilled my dream of being a Drag Racer,I will let you have the last parachute. The little girl started too snicker and laugh.She said Thanks Mr. Webster but that won't be necessary.The guy with the Cape and so called Smartest man in the world just grabbed my school bag and jumped.


I wanted too hear this one again. It was HIlarious Laughing

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Re: Morning funny....

Post  56Tbird on November 8th 2011, 8:42 pm

dave d wrote:One day I was doing a girl on her kitchen table. Suddenly the front door opened and she say's "thats my husband,quick try the back door!" Thinking back I probably should have ran but you don't get offers like that very often
That's some funny stuff right there lol!
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Re: Morning funny....

Post  dave d on November 9th 2011, 9:17 am

Give it a try.

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the
bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue
reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part
of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is
going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take
the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be
the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able
to find your perfect mate again.


YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS......................

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car
keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I
would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn
thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'


HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because Obama's health care won't pay for her hospital visit anyway, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.



God, I just love happy endings!











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Re: Morning funny....

Post  dfree383 on November 9th 2011, 9:43 am

Nice !! cheers
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Re: Morning funny....

Post  maverick on November 9th 2011, 9:39 pm

Three drag racers and three circle track racers were traveling by train to a big racing weekend in Charlotte. At the train staion, each of the circle track racers stepped up to the counter and bought a ticket. Only one of the drag racers bought a ticket, and they all sat down to wait for the train.

"How do the three of you expect to ride the train with only one ticket?" the circle guys asked. The drag racers replied, "You'll see."

The train arrived, passengers stepped off, and all the racers boarded. The circle track racers chose their seats while the three drag racers crowded themselves into a bathroom. The conductor came through the car, stopping at each passenger, requesting, "Ticket, please." He then stepped to the bathroom door, knocked and said, "Ticket, please." The door opened just a crack and a hand slipped the ticket to the conductor. The conductor moved on to the next car.

"Ha. That's pretty good!" the circle track guys said. "We'll save some money on the return trip."

On the return trip, only one circle track racer bought a ticket and they sat down to wait. None of the drag racers bought a ticket...and they sat down to wait for the train.

"How do the three of you expect to ride the train with no ticket?" the circle trackers asked. The drag racers replied, "You'll see."

The train arrived, passengers stepped off, and all the racers boarded. The three drag racers crowded themselves into a bathroom and shut the door. The three circle trackers crowded themselves into another bathroom and shut the door. One of the drag racers stepped out of their bathroom, walked to the other bathroom, knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
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Re: Morning funny....

Post  schmitty on November 9th 2011, 9:42 pm

Good one Kim. Laughing
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Re: Morning funny....

Post  56Tbird on November 10th 2011, 12:48 am

damn circle jerkers..... lol! cheers
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Favorite Bear Defense Gun.........

Post  dfree383 on November 10th 2011, 10:29 pm

Personal favorite bear defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in .22 short!
I've found over the years when hiking in bear country I never leave without it in my pocket.

Of course we all know the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System".
For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this it means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend
or companion, even an in-law. That way if something happens there is someone to go get help.

I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in northern British Columbia . Out of nowhere
came this huge brown bear and man was she MAD! We must have been near one of her cubs.
Any way if I had not had my little Jetfire I'd sure not be here today.

That's right, one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking
at a brisk pace. That's one of the best pistols in my safe!
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Two Muslim Mothers --- talking

Post  dfree383 on November 10th 2011, 11:12 pm

Thank Rick for this one......


Two Muslim mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The elder of the women pulls a wallet out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they both start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now."

"Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though," mom confides.

"Oh, so sad, dear," says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21."

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born".

"He's a martyr too," says mom quietly.

"Oh, gracious me," says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18, she whispers."

"Yes." says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."

"He's a martyr also," says mom, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says:

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

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Re: Morning funny....

Post  dave d on November 15th 2011, 6:51 pm

I was standing in a bar in Ft Myers and this little Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me.

I said to him, “Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?”

He says “No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee”?

“No”, I say, "It’s because you’re drinking my beer you slanty eyed little prick.
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Re: Morning funny....

Post  56Tbird on November 19th 2011, 1:16 am

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling
my leg."

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Re: Morning funny....

Post  res0rli9 on November 19th 2011, 4:32 am

56Tbird wrote:I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling
my leg."


No Dan you didnt tell her that Lie Razz
you just said I know

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Re: Morning funny....

Post  bbf-falcon on November 21st 2011, 8:35 am

56Tbird wrote:I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling
my leg."


I thought you broke up w/her Dan.Isn't that the Lawn jockey's sister Shocked

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Dear Santa........

Post  dfree383 on November 22nd 2011, 10:44 am

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love, Teddy

The Reply............

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
... hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your
frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that
dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.

Santa
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Re: Morning funny....

Post  dave d on November 22nd 2011, 12:27 pm

Very Happy Very Happy cheers
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couldn't pass this one up !!!

Post  dfree383 on November 22nd 2011, 7:40 pm

One sunny day in January, 2013, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and again just walked away.

The third day the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir.

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Re: Morning funny....

Post  crittersf1 on November 23rd 2011, 8:42 am

Smile Smile Smile Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Laughing Laughing Laughing Exclamation
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Wedded Bliss...

Post  dfree383 on November 25th 2011, 1:44 pm

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.'


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Re: Morning funny....

Post  Darrin Gorham on November 25th 2011, 9:15 pm

What does a wife and a tornado have in common?
At first ,there is a lot of sucking and blowing and then you lose your House!

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Taxidermist.......

Post  dfree383 on November 29th 2011, 12:02 pm

A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" ...

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender ...says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi, I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
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Re: Morning funny....

Post  bbf-falcon on November 29th 2011, 7:57 pm

Now at dere's funy at dere Laughing

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Re: Morning funny....

Post  dfree383 on December 6th 2011, 4:31 pm

A husband walks into Victorias Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy),

'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief!

You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'


He never heard the shot.


Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

Closed coffin.

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Re: Morning funny....

Post  bbf-falcon on December 6th 2011, 7:49 pm

Harold (ole tripod) went too Victoria secrets last week to buy some things for Christmas. He shopped awhile then took 2 identicle pairs of sexy panties to the counter. The clerk said Sir, did you know that the 2 pairs of panties are the same item. Harold said yes I know,1 pair is for my wife and the other is for my mistress. The clerks mouth flew open Shocked ,and she said,why sir,you should be Hung . Harold replied w/a smile, I'am. Laughing

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Re: Morning funny....

Post  dave d on December 6th 2011, 7:58 pm

Way to go Harold cheers Very Happy
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