Morning funny....

This ass hole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your haircut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did all that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."


***********
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

***********
Saw a beautiful, well endowed young lady walking towards me on the sidewalk the other day. As she got closer I could see the word GUESS on the front of her shirt. As she passed I said, "they're fake, right?"

***********
Snow in the forecast, and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!

Thoughts...

As I was lying around pondering the problems of the world,

I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while A tortoise
doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never
liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do and the
eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant;
the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, either it was a 'mis-deal' or
everyone wants to play chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...
I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. "HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE"...?

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.' ...

************************************
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'


********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

*************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
***********************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'



********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'


***************************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Jess

This class of youngsters were asked to write about the ocean. By the time you finish reading this you should be able to ace a test on oceanography.

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2. Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3. If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4. Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson . She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5. A dolphin breaths through an a**hole on the top of its head. (Billy, age

6. My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8. Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9. I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11. When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12. Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age

13. On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat A*S. (Julie, age 7)

14. The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15. My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2014!"

"Great Nancy, but how?" asked Harry.

"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman , Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.

The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?"

"Yes we are!" said Nancy, "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color."

They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.

For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.

Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"

"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!"

Jess

Nancy and Harry won back the middle by 13 to 1 . moment those 13 lifted the tail, their plan worked

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.

I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! it's a great morning for sex or golf ' and she said, "Take a sweater.."

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”

Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio
announcer says, “We are expecting 6-8 inch

es of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”
Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park…” then the electric power goes out.

Bob’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?”

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it
gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Lem Evans wrote:
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.  If it
gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I hate when they do that. Lol

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next
to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

Birth Control



　

My daughter recently made a post on Facebook: “Some people really shouldn't reproduce. I mean seriously, America should consider implementing China's one-baby policy.” She then follows it up with talking about birth control being free and who doesn’t know about that (she‘s always been an advocate for contraceptives, hence, I‘m not a grandmother yet). I replied to her that she’d be surprised.



Sometimes though, it is not they don’t know it’s free; its they don’t know how to use it correctly. When I was 18, I worked with a girl, Carolyn, who was pregnant with her 3rd child. She was in the break-room saying, “I can’t believe I’m pregnant! Again!”



“You should use birth control pills,” a co-worker said.



“Yeah, you can get them from the Health Department for free,” I offered.



Carolyn shook her head, “I’m not going back there again. That’s how I ended up this way in the first place!”



“Oh! I thought it might have been because you were having sex,” said the co-worker (she always was funny).



Upon further inquiry, we learned Carolyn was not taking the pills correctly. Carolyn was under the impression if she had sex on Monday, she took a pill labeled “Monday.” Friday sex had “Friday” labeled and so on.



“What happens if you run out of Friday pills?” The co-worker asked thoughtfully.



Carolyn explained, “Well, then I don’t have sex on Friday but, there’s only 4 Fridays in a month and if I run into an occasional fifth week, I use one from another pack I have.”



I have never forgotten that day; it was truly amazing. We had to explain to her how it worked - the every day thing about taking birth control. I saw Carolyn years later, about 20 years or so after the fact, and asked if she ever had a 4th child. She laughed, apparently remembering that day in the break-room too, and answered, “Hell no. I took your advice and I’ve been taking them every day until I had my tubes tied.”



When I was studying to become a nurse, I had to work in a doctor’s office during one of my clinical rotations. One of his regular patients couldn’t take birth control pills. She had serious adverse reactions to them. The doctor explained to me, before seeing her, he had advised the foam method instead.



The foam method is the use of spermicidal foam (or gel) in a diaphragm and then inserting it into the vagina prior to sexual activity. The sperm usually cannot squirm their way through the spermicidal and if they do, there’s the diaphragm to catch them.



The doctor and I enter the exam room and he says to her, “So how is the foam method working out for you?”



“Pretty good, I guess,” she laughs. “I’m not pregnant but, it sure does taste nasty.”



The doctor had to excuse himself momentarily.



Another day, we had a patient come in whose chief complaints were symptoms of pregnancy. Naturally the doctor had me run the pregnancy test which came back positive.



“Oh, I can’t be pregnant,” the young lady insisted. “That is impossible.”



This prompted a series of questions from the doctor, “Are you taking birth control? Are you sterile? Are you sexually active?”



“No, no, and yes,” she answered.



“Then why is it you do not think can be pregnant,” he asked a little exasperated.



“Because, I’ve never had an orgasm before.”



Another pick-the-doctor-up-off-the-floor moment. The look on his face as this information was processed was quite comical. And I had to do all of this with a straight face. I had to be “professional.”

Lem Evans wrote:
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next
to a really ugly woman.  That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

Once from Richmond dragway at a motel. She asked me to take a shower with her the next morning.HellNo!!!.......jus sayn..

 

Lem Evans wrote:
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next
to a really ugly woman.  That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

You calling my wife ugly  

Jim

A guy in a hurry used the ladies ‘toilet in a posh
hotel’..
He sat down and noticed four buttons – WW,
WA, PP & APR.
Curious, he pressed WW & his butt was gently
sprayed with WARM WATER, he loved it so much!
He then pressed WA & a blast of WARM AIR dried him up.
Still loving it, He pressed PP & a POWDER PUFF to make him smell fresh.
Feeling pampered, he decided to press the last button APR.
He later woke up in a hospital.
A nurse smiled & said to him, Sir, APR means
AUTOMATIC PAD REMOVER. When the machine
couldn’t find a pad on you, it went for your
balls.
Your balls are in the jar over there!

man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet game of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.”

I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough there was my wife’s golf ball…..stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, “Hey this looks like yours!”

A Japanese couple are having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex...............:





































































Husband: Sukitaki.






Wife replies: Kowanini!






Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!






Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!






Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!.


.


.

.


.


.


















Incredible........and there you sit, reading this shit, as if you understand Japanese!


unbelievable!

…. I knew you would read anything if it was about sex.

Another Gun Incident

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his model 1911 Colt .45 caliber pistol with 8 rounds and yelled, "Who in here has been screwing my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You need more ammo!"

Old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again.

"Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'

"Nah," says the little old Jewish man... "Costs too much!"

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea.

 DEFINITION OF A DILEMMA


A STUDENT ASKED HIS ENGLISH PROFESSOR, “WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A  DILEMMA?"

THE PROFESSOR SAID, “WELL, THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN AN EXAMPLE TO ILLUSTRATE THAT".

"IMAGINE THAT YOU ARE LYING IN A BIG BED WITH A BEAUTIFUL AROUSED NAKED YOUNG WOMAN ON ONE SIDE AND AN EXCITED GAY MAN ON THE OTHER".

"WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TURN YOUR BACK ON?"    

racnrick wrote: DEFINITION OF A DILEMMA


A STUDENT ASKED HIS ENGLISH PROFESSOR, “WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A  DILEMMA?"

THE PROFESSOR SAID, “WELL, THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN AN EXAMPLE TO ILLUSTRATE THAT".

"IMAGINE THAT YOU ARE LYING IN A BIG BED WITH A BEAUTIFUL AROUSED NAKED YOUNG WOMAN ON ONE SIDE AND AN EXCITED GAY MAN ON THE OTHER".

"WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TURN YOUR BACK ON?"    

Funny, thats a good one.
Only a dilemma if one can't think of a solution.
I'D Roll The Women On Top Of Me

Irish cop



A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is much smarter than any cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON, and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the cop's expense!

Irish cop says,"License and registration, please."



London Lawyer says, "What for?"



Irish cop says, "Ye didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."



London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."



Irish cop says, "Ye still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please, sir."



London Lawyer says, "What's the bloody difference?"



Irish cop says, "The difference is, the sign says stop, not slow down, so, ye havte come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"



London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."



Irish cop says, "Sounds fair enough, please exit your vehicle, sir."



The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.



The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Now, ye English arsehole, do ye want me to stop, completely, or just fookin slow down?"

Jess

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he
realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to
take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first
Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at her funeral."