Morning funny....

www.youtube.com/watch?v=djYz6p3i-t0

Turn vol down if around young kids

gmsmkr wrote:www.youtube.com/watch?v=djYz6p3i-t0

Turn vol down if around young kids

Ha Ha that's good. Don't forget about the "Titties and Beer"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SgyeshD8RJY

Jess

I like titties and beer !

The Manitoba Herald:

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party and the fact Republicans won the Senate are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. “The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn't give any milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though." When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half- dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada , Vice President Biden met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals. A source close to President Obama said, "We're going to have some Paul McCartney and Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might even put some endangered species on postage

Nice !

That reminds me of an article I read a lil while ago Lem:

From the news desk of The Onion,
MEXICO CITY—As dozens of major American corporations continue to move their manufacturing operations to Mexico, waves of job-seeking Mexican immigrants to the United States have begun making the deadly journey back across the border in search of better-paying Mexican-based American jobs.

"I came to this country seeking the job I sought when I first left this country," said Anuncio Reyes, 22, an undocumented worker who recrossed the U.S. border into Mexico last month, three years after leaving Mexico for the United States to work as an agricultural day laborer. "I spent everything I had to get back here. Yes, it was dangerous, and I miss my home. But as much as I love America, I have to go where the best American jobs are."

Reyes now works as a spot-welder on the assembly line of a Maytag large-appliance plant and earns $22 a day, most of which he sends back to his family in the U.S., who in turn send a portion of that back to the original family they left in Mexico. Like many former Mexican-Americans forced by circumstance to become American-Mexicans, Reyes dreams of one day bringing his relatives to Mexico so that they, too, may secure American employment in Mexico.

Despite the considerable risk illegal immigrants face in returning across the border, many find the lure of large U.S. factory salaries hard to resist—at 15 percent of the pay of corresponding jobs in America, these positions pay three times what Mexican jobs do.

Still, the danger is very real. When 31-year-old illegal Arizona resident Ignacio Jimenez sought employment at an American plant in Mexico, he was shot at by Mexican border guards as he attempted to illegally enter the country of his citizenship, pursued by U.S. immigration officials who thought he might be entering the country illegally, and fired upon again by a second group of U.S. Border Patrol agents charged with keeping valuable table-busing and food-delivery personnel inside American borders.

"It was a nightmare," Jimenez said. "Many became disoriented and panicked, and some were mixed in with immigrants going the other way across the Rio Grande and ended up swimming to the wrong country."

He added: "My cousin almost drowned. They fished him out and sent him back to wash dishes at T.G.I. Friday's."

Many say the trip across the border as illegal Mexican-American emigrants offers them a chance to land the American jobs in Mexico they never have been able to get as illegal Mexican-American immigrants in the U.S.

"It has always been my goal to have a good American job," Johnson Controls technician Camilla Torres, 27, said. "Many Mexicans now see Mexico as the land of opportunity. Mexicans will not stop trying to get here, no matter how much the Mexicans wish we would not."

Indeed, the trend of illegal re-emigration is causing great resentment among the local Mexican population, and tension between Mexicans and illegally re-entered Mexicans—dubbed repatriados—continues to build.

"I hate these Mexicans, always coming back here to Mexico from America and taking American jobs from the Mexicans who stayed in Mexico," said 55-year-old former Goodyear factory manager Juan-Miguel Diaz, who lost his job to a better-trained repatriado last March. "Why don't they go back to where they went to?"

Still, Jimenez, Reyes, and hundreds of others say they have no choice.

"The American Dream is alive and well in Mexico," Reyes said. "If I work hard, save my money, and plan well, I will be able to send my children to a good school—and who knows? If they study hard, perhaps they will get jobs someday at the new plant General Motors is building in China."

Now that right there is funny.

BAD Parrot

A young man named John re ceived a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

I don't care who you are that's funny right there....

These are too good not to pass on. They came from one of my not so sick-o racing buddies.

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
*~Jay Leno~

*The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
*~Henry Cate, VII~

*We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
*~Aesop~

*If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union Speeches,
there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
*~Will Rogers ~

*When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
*~Clarence Darrow~

*Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, they go out and buy some more tunnel.
*~John Quinton~

*Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
*~Oscar Ameringer~

*I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
*~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~

*A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
*~ Tex Guinan~

*I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians..
*~Charles de Gaulle~

*Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
*~Doug Larson~

*There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators.
*~Will Rogers ~

If you want a real friend - that you can trust in Washington - go buy a dog!
Harry Truman:

Two blondes are sitting on a bench in Alabama.

One blonde asks "Which do you think is further away, Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde replies, "Duuhh, can you see Florida from here?".

Jess

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"?

"Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft.

A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot, who lost communications, was on a cellular phone and yelled

"Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone
out of his pocket, and he had told me before we took off that he had the tower on his speed dial
memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.
"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions.

The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".

He began his series of questions.

Tower: "How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet??"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me".

Tower: "Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are travelling at 180 mph??"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me".

Tower: Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down??"
Aircraft: "Because the shit in my pants is sliding out of my collar."

I figured out the perfect way to clear all the rioters in Fergusson Missouri........ fly a plane over and throw out Job Applications, they will run like hell...

the Coug wrote:I figured out the perfect way to clear all the rioters in Fergusson Missouri........ fly a plane over and throw out Job Applications, they will run like hell...

Now that's f-n funny

Bullfrogs & Blow Jobs

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!"

"Blow jobs?" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it’s true … 'No' more Blowjobs for her!

She bought the Frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied,"If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

Nice !

56Tbird wrote:Bullfrogs & Blow Jobs

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!"

"Blow jobs?" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it’s true … 'No' more Blowjobs for her!

She bought the Frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied,"If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

I wonder if they still got anymore

Thanks....I needed a good laugh this morning....that's funny

Some years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco . Mensa, as you know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher.

Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe. When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly -- this was a job for Mensa minds.

The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.

They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle here with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker -- "

But before they could finish,..........

the waitress interrupted. "Oh -- sorry about that." She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

There was dead silence at the Mensa table.

I will take common sense over intelligence any day of the week....

plowboy34 wrote:I will take common sense over intelligence any day of the week....

Better hurry...Common sense is getting less common every day.

"THE WOMAN, THE PRIEST AND THE PARROTS"
A woman went to her priest with a problem. “Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?’ ”
“That’s terrible!” exclaimed the priest. “But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?”

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed “Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!”

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health insurance."