Morning funny....

You will never know.

Thought about applying for it..BUT I'd have to fight for a place in line

This was the FUNNIEST thing I've seen in many years..I had to post it here where it belongs!!
I knew I should have cut his nuts off with HIS grinder after he grabbed my ass while I was bending over "WORKING" on your Falcon Rick........

_________________
Member of the "Michigan Maverick Mafia"
Big HP=Big-Big tires.......

72mav

Posts: 840
Join date: 2008-12-03
Age: 48
Location: central Michigan

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: ‘Do you really want to get rid of Barack Obama
6. Firmly click ‘YES’
7. Feel better?

GOOD – Tomorrow we’ll do Nancy Pelosi.

That trick really workd good Dave. I did George Bush that way years ago and my PC has been trouble free ever since.

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were
sitting in their pews talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each
other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly
in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate
enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said,

"Do you know who I am ?'"

The man replied,

"Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me ?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for
all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked,

"Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied,




"Been married to your sister for 62 years"

bbf-falcon wrote:That trick really workd good Dave. I did George Bush that way years ago and my PC has been trouble free ever since.

I'm going try that

It all began with an iPhone...

March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started...

I explained that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. (This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.)

I should be out of the hospital next week!!

PS: iHurt!!!

Sometimes we forget the really important things in life.

Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant.
My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the
food, and I would even thank you more if Nana gets us ice cream for dessert. And
liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark,
"That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray.
Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is
God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was
certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was
a great prayer."

"Really?" my grand-son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had
started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little
ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My
grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the
rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front
of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up
your ass you grouchy old bitch! "

The End

Gota love kids like that

Frank Feldman


A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.

Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

Cabbie: 'Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."







--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall.......

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked."What's his name?"
"Grandpa"
The guard smiled,then asked,"What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."

Q: Do you know why God invented yeast infections?
A: So women woulld know what it's like to live with one of those things to!

Q: Why do wine,women, and cheese all get better with age?
A: They all have yeast colonies!

Perry

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money can not buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry
in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember
you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does
milk.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

A store that sells new husbands has opened in
New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the
instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:




You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are
six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the
flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may
choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to
exit the building!




So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find
a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:




Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs




She is intrigued, but continues to the second
floor, where the sign reads:




Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.



'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'




So she continues upward. The third floor sign
reads:



Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and
are Extremely Good Looking.




'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep
going.




She goes to the fourth floor and the sign
reads:



Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are
Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework..




'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly
stand it!'



Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the
sign reads:




Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are
Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.




She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the
sixth floor, where the sign reads:




Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this
floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof
that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband
Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's
owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.



The first floor has wives that love sex.



The second floor has wives that love sex and
have money and like beer


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have
never been visited.

Now thats funny......and TRUE!!!!!!!!!

THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER...

Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.
She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Judy again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret..........


"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel. . Her legs."

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!-----------------------------------------------------------

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did; she's 21 and her name's Lucy. -----------------------------------------------------------

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.---------------------------------------------------------
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said: "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You’d better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."----------------------------------------------------

Just been to the gym.They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick.

It's great though; it provides me with everything I need: Kit-Kats, Mars bars, Snickers, Potato chips, the lot."------------

Question - Are there too many immigrants in the US ? 17% said yes; 11% said no; 72% said:” I am not understanding dees question pleese.”--------------------------

A man calls 911 and says:” I think my wife is dead.” The operator says:” How do you know?” He says:” The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"-----

My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.----------------------------------------------------------------------

A wife says to her husband:” You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” And he says:” What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair!"-------------

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said: "You obviously haven't been listening"--------------

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.------------------------------

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans forth new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "i-Touch Kids" is not a good product name.-----------------

There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.---------

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan .I said:” We’d love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway."

That some funny shit right there I don't care who you are

dave d wrote:That some funny shit right there I don't care who you are

I AGREE

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Amen

Good one, seems there is more of us than I thought.

Hey,after all,we're family.