Morning funny....

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately,
the baby was born without ears.


When mother and new baby came home from
The hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see
the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's
dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had
no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned
anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the
word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when
they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said,'What a
beautiful baby.'The mother said, 'Why,Thank you,
Johnnie. Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little
feet,beautiful little hands,a cute little nose and
really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the
Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be fucked
if he needed glasses.

LMFAO ! Thats Funny

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says,
"I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"

Rick pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and said
"That's us in 10 years".
I said "That's a mirror, dip-shit!

56Tbird wrote:Rick pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and said
"That's us in 10 years".
I said "That's a mirror, dip-shit!

x2

copied from YB :

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.
... Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip ,
placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.

Due to the large number of jobs moving from California to Texas

Texas has compiled a "Californian to Texan" translation guide


CALIFORNIA = TEXAS
Arsenal of Weapons = Gun Collection

Delicate Wetlands = Swamp

Undocumented Worker = Illegal Alien

Cruelty-Free Materials = Synthetic Fiber

Assault and Battery = Attitude Adjustment

Heavily Armed = Well-protected

Narrow-minded = Righteous

Taxes or Your Fair Share = Coerced Theft

Commonsense Gun Control = Gun Confiscation Plot

Illegal Hazardous Explosives = Fireworks for Stump Removal

Nonviable Tissue Mass = Unborn Baby

Equal Access to Opportunity = Socialism

Multicultural Community = High Crime Area

Fairness or Social Progress = Marxism

Upper Class or "The Rich " = Self-Employed

Progressive, Change = Big Government Scheme

Homeless or Disadvantaged = Bums or Welfare Leeches

Sniper Rifle = Scoped Deer Rifle

Investment For the Future = Higher Taxes

Healthcare Reform = Socialized Medicine

Extremist, Judgmental, or Hater = Conservative

Truants = Homeschoolers

Victim or Oppressed = Criminal or Lazy Good-For-Nothing

High Capacity Magazine = Standard Capacity Magazine

Religious Zealot = Church-going

Reintroduced Wolves = Sheep and Deer Killers

Fair Trade Coffee = Overpriced Yuppie Coffee

Exploiters or "The Rich " = Employed or Land Owner

The Gun Lobby = NRA Members

Assault Weapon = Semi-Auto (Grandpa's M1 Carbine)

Fiscal Stimulus = New Taxes and Higher Taxes

Same Sex Marriage = Legalized Perversion

Mandated Eco-Friendly Lighting = Chinese Mercury-Laden Light Bulbs

Subject: confession


'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

Do you know how to get a Nun pregnant ?....................................................Dress her up like an Altar Boy!

x2

If I ever find a woman like that , I may get married again!!

This for all you old poops out there, you know who you are :lol

http://www.newsday.com/polopoly_fs/1..235372.1243574086!menu/standard/file/ny-walt-baby-boomers.swf



hopefully this will play

A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating fresh shrimp.

Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it.

Eventually, she had enough, and pulled the Emergency Cord.

The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid Catholic bitch."

She laughed and said, "When I cry out rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you towel headed camel-fucker."

I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that…

dave d wrote:This for all you old poops out there, you know who you are :lol

http://www.newsday.com/polopoly_fs/1..235372.1243574086!menu/standard/file/ny-walt-baby-boomers.swf



hopefully this will play

LMAO, Glad i'm not old

NORWEGIAN VIRGIN

Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin -- in every vay."

The doctor told him, "Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.

Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth .

That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olof...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez."

Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied: "Look at dis Lena .....still in DA CRATE!"

viagra in a box

After being in prison for 15 years,a man escapes. He breaks into a house to look for money,guns,or anything he could sell.He finds a young couple in bed.He orders the man out of the bed and ties him to the chair. He tied the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he goes to the bathroom. The husband tells his wife;Listen,this guy's a dangerous escapee: He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kiss your neck. If he wants to have sex w/you,don't resist,don't complain,do whatever he tells you or he might kill us both. Be strong honey. I love you.
The wife responds: He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay,thought you were cute, and ask if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the Bathroom. Be strong honey. I LOVE YOU TOO

Two rednecks are sitting on the front porch.


One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"


"Aw, crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!

Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a deep thinker, and a highly intelligent person. So simple, yet so profound!

Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 75th birthday below his esteemed portrait. Only a man with such wisdom and maturity could be so concise and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning point in his life.





"I have outlived my pecker."


The Penis Poem
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the f***in' thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!





Gotta love Willie!!!

An uplifting Story FOR CHRISTMAS
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play Golf .

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'

He said, 'I'm NOT happy.

My balls itch.

Stories like this just makes one want to cry, how heart-warming.

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a sign advertising for Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read;
"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination."

"The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."

"Good grief, is that where the job is?"

"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now

Is that close to Helena , Montana??