Morning funny....

President Barack Obama, surrounded by his normal retinue of Secret Service agents, walks into the Chicago branch office of a regional bank to cash a check.

“Good morning, ma’am,” he says to the cashier. “I’d like to cash this check.”

“Of course, sir,” she replies. “Do you have your drivers license?”

“Actually, no,” Obama says. “I didn’t drive myself and, honestly, I didn’t think I’d need to show any ID. I mean, I am the president.”

“Yes, sir, I know who you are. But I’m afraid that, federal banking regulations being what they are, I’ll need to see a photo ID"

Obama sighs in consternation.

“But just ask anyone at the bank,” he says. “They all know who I am. Everybody knows who I am.”

“I’m sorry, Mr. President, but rules are rules.”

“Please, there must be something you can do. I need to cash this check so I can buy Michelle a Valentine’s Day present.”

The cashier thinks for a minute.

“I’ll tell you what, Mr. President. Two weeks ago, Tiger Woods was here and in the same situation. He proved who he was by making an amazing putt all the way across the bank lobby into a coffee cup.

“Then, just last week, Andre Agassi had to prove who he was, so he used his tennis racket and lobbed a ball all the way across the bank lobby into that same coffee cup.

“In both cases, we took that as identification and cashed their checks,” she explained.

“So, Mr. President, is there something you can do that would prove that you are, indeed, Barrack Hussein Obama, president of the United States?” she asked.

Obama stands in front of her for a moment, frowning in thought.

“You know, he says, I can’t think of a thing. My mind is a total blank. I have absolutely no idea what to do in this situation,” he says. “Seriously. No clue at all.”

The cashier smiles.

“Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?” she asks.

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

https://m.facebook.com/home.php#!/photo.php?fbid=1044463088907336&id=100000309635417&set=a.105046569515664.9867.100000309635417&refid=7&_ft_=qid.6201003942090349407%3Amf_story_key.-6973734373325730794%3AeligibleForSeeFirstBumping.&__tn__=%2As

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager:

'Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says,

'You know, I think my girl was dead!'

'Dead?' says his friend, 'Why do you say that?'

'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.' His friend says, 'Could be worse I think mine was a witch.'

'A witch ??. . why the hell would you say that?'

'Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window..... took my teeth with her!

Jess

Got my gun permit yesterday, then went over to the local gun shop to get a small 9 mm for home protection.

When I was ready to pay by credit card for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader.

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.

Jess

How to Tell Where a Cop works:

Narcotics
-Immediately grow facial hair, tell everybody you were ordered to.
-Start wearing size schmedium "Tap Out" t-shirts
-Start watching every episode of Monster Garage.
-Buy a biker wallet with a big chain.
-Practice the "Don't acknowledge me, even while in the police station, look."
-Thinks sh#t doesn't stink and even the Chief worships them
-Make every case involve overtime $$$.
-Rates the hotness level of "cranker chicks" and has tried to date at least one at one time
-Learn to play golf drunk.

SWAT
-Wear hut-hut team T-shirts (size schmedium- to accent pecs and biceps), Oakley sunglasses and boots everyday.
-Try to fit the word "breach" and "tactical" in to every conversation. (Ex. "I just breached my pants. That was so funny!")
-Have a mirror handy to check hair, if you have hair.
-Never say hello to anyone who is not a SWAT operator, just practice the SWAT head nod.
-Subscribe to Soldier of Fortune, Guns and Ammo and Muscle and Fitness magazines.
-Pleasures themselves over gun collection
-Do EVERYTHING together, including showering and "wrestling"
-Learn to play golf wearing a gun, a tactical knife and a back-up gun (just in case)

Community Service Units
-Hate SWAT.
-Work to make everybody love you.
-Paint your office in pastel colors.
-Think Feng Shui.
-Subscribe to Psychology Today.
-Learn to play miniature golf.

Traffic units
-Write tickets to EVERYBODY.
-Learn to make other cops hate them
-Spend every weekend cleaning your bike and polishing boots.
-Annoy the shit out of everyone on the radio by having complete disregard for anyone else's radio traffic.
-Talk about nothing but how many tickets you wrote in one day.
-Constantly ride by a building with big windows to chec kout your reflection.
-Refer to the "other" law enforcement officers as "Car cops."
-"LBR" (Look Bitchin' Riding) is your mantra. May even have this as a tattoo
-Golf is lame, motor rodeos are cool.

K-9 Units
-Become sadistic.
-Show pictures of your latest and best dog bite.
-Facebook profile pic is of dog
-Brag about your largest drug find.
-Smell like a dog.
-Starts to look like your dog
-Workout 3 times a day.
-Show off your bruises and bites, even when it is on your ass.

Administrative/Management Units
-Three-hour lunches everyday, tell everybody it's a "meeting."
-Upgrade department cell phone every month.
-Tell everybody you are published in a national law enforcement magazine.
-Has sold soul and lost balls years ago
-Has awesome pen set
-Updates revenge list on a weekly basis.
-Expert at PowerPoint, bar charts and graphs
-Sh#t a brick when Ashley Madison accounts went public
-Golf Rules! Play LOTS of golf.

Patrol Units
-Has nerves of steel.
-In a terminal state of nausea from department politics.
-Inability to keep mouth shut.
-Has defining tastes in alcohol.
-The higher the seniority the further back you sit in briefing
-Is actually respected by peers.
-Beats the crap out of his caddy on any bogeyed shot.

FTO
-Automatically grasps the door handle until knuckles turn white when car is put in gear.
-Considers a multiple-victim homicide in progress a "good training opportunity" and asks to take primary.
-Life long case of irrital bowel syndrome (IBS)
-Considers less than three hours of OT to be a quiet day.
-Buys migraine medicine by the case
-No time for golf

Detectives
-Come in at 0800.
-"Breakfast" from 0815 to 1030.
-Work from 1030 to Noon.
-Noon to 1400 Work out and Lunch.
-1400-1700 Sit in CID and talk about how many girlfriends you have and how the wife doesn't know. Plan your next RV, fishing, wine tasting or motorcycle trip.

Patrol Sergeant
-Remembers very well "how we usta do do it."
-Always willing to tell his officers the above.
-Tries to fit the word "liability" in to every sentence.
-Talks about "what he's hearing from upstairs."
-Has list of all golf courses to visit upon retirement

Trainee
-Unable to grow facial hair.
-Watches every episode of Cops.
-Gets excited when the SWAT guys walk by.
-Arrives for work three hours early.
-Thinks the sergeant is thrilled to see him.
-Won't drink on the golf course because it violates the open container ordinance.

New Corrections Officers
- Show up for work 15 minutes early.
- Buy only the best ink pens (Pilot G-2, not the kind admin types use!).
- Wear T-Shirts of your "dream department" under your uniform.
- Wear a full duty belt of gear even though you have to remove everything when you arrive at the facility.
- Become friends with every local police officer.

Defensive Tactics Instructors
-Starts stretching before making arrest.
-Can spend hours debating the advantages of RCB vs. straight stick.
-Wears yoga pants off-duty
-Chuck Norris is GOD
-Has spent more than $50 on a wood baton.
-Giggles when a suspect starts to resist.
-Confuses golf swing with baton swing

Firearms Instructor
- Responds to every question/statement with the word, 'huh?'
- Has a % lead/blood level higher than the current Chief's approval rating.
- Operates under the assumption that the more beer you drink, the more of that lead leaves your system.
- Thinks a new tactical handgun is a great Christmas gift for the wife/girlfriend.
- Has an image of a custom 1911-A1 for a screen-saver.
- Wears the latest high-tech electronic hearing protectors during normal conversation.
-Would rather shoot than golf

Bicycle Unit
-Shaves legs...just because they need an excuse to shave legs
-Dignity is non-existent
-Wears size schmedium uniform shirt with level 4 vest and spandex shorts (looks like a stuffed sausage)
-Thinks teens are laughing because they are excited to see him
-Facebook profile pic and desktop pic is cool bike photo
-Owns DVD collection of Pacific Blue TV series
-Actually got butt hurt during bike patrol scene in 21 Jump Street movie
-Think they look cool in bike uniform, including helmet
-Doesn't golf- can't fit clubs on bike

Little Johnny Gets Promoted
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was he replied, "I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than her to." The teacher took him to the principals office and explained the situation to the principal.
The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the first grade and be quiet.
The teacher and Johnny both agreed.
Principal: "what is 3 x 3" Johnny: "9"
Principal: "6 x 6" Johnny: "36"
And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour he told the teacher "I see no reason Johnny can't go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right."
The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree.
Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of? Johnny: "Legs"
Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I don't have?"
The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says, "pockets"
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny: "Pants"
Teacher: "What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?"
Johnny: "Firetruck"
The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself!

The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh shit” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Jess

Two Muslims walk into a bar.......

Just kidding, they blew themselves up down the street.....

So much for a good joke.

http://www.yellowbullet.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1601378 Not a funny, but a pretty good read I thought.

supervel45 wrote:http://www.yellowbullet.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1601378                                                                                                                        Not a funny, but a pretty good read I thought.

Nice!

LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

Jess

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two bestfriends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,

Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

Jess

What do a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?

They both get to smell it, but neither of them gets to eat it.

Jess

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger

than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother

that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:

'Daddy is talking to the
silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

Wait for it

The blonde said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

When Obama died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates.
He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the Nation I helped conceive?"
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted
"You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is
why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat obama with a long cane and
snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration
of Independence."
The beatings and thrashings continued as James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical, socialist, leader.
As Obama lay bruised and in pain, an Angel appeared. obama wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for
you in Heaven. What did you think I said? You really need to listen when
someone is trying to tell you something!"

Early one morning, an
elderly retired veteran just finished a piece of artwork he had been working on and yelled to his wife.

"Honey! Come see what
I created! It's an abstract panorama, depicting the seven years of the Obama
administration!"

She yelled back,
"Flush the toilet, Howard, and come eat your breakfast!"



Jess

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers,
and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm,
and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again,
the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says,
'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.

Fishing on Fridays
After
35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When
asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every
problem they had ever had in the years they had been
married.
On
and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs
she had endured.
Finally,
after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got
up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he
embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched -
with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a
daze.
The
therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well,
I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, ................But
I go fishing on Fridays.

Jess

HeHeHe

Old Cowboy

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.


He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled
from age.


The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to
put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.


When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had
in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.


The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.

Jess

“There was once upon a time that to be a republican in this area in this area of the country felt a little bit like being Gary Cooper in High Noon. Outnumbered in a big way.

But I remember the story about a fella who was running for office as a republican. And he was in a rural area that wasn’t known to be a republican area and he stopped by a farm to do some campaigning.

And when the farmer heard he was a republican his jaw dropped and he said wait right here while I go get Ma. She’s never seen a republican before. So he got her. And the candidate looked around for a podium from which to give his speech.

And the only thing he could find was a pile of that stuff that Bess Truman took 35 years trying to get Harry to call fertilizer. So, he got up on the mound and when they came back he gave his speech.

And at the end of it the farmer said that is the first time I’ve ever heard a republican speech. And the candidate said that’s the first time I’ve ever given a republican speech from a democratic platform.”