Morning funny....

Ahhhhh……The Wisdom of the Ages........

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a strange and far away pub reminiscing....

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.

In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.

The landlord goes out of his way for the locals.

When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion,
the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub in Westport in County Mayo,
the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.

Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

The Irishman swore every word was true and the others asked "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...

'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.

It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'

It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells
Him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to
Ask you a few questions."He gets her name, address,
Social security number, etc. And then asks,"What's
Your occupation?"
"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "
Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says,
"I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have
To do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."

IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton ,MS


IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.


IDIOT SIGHTING

How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us......and they VOTE

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books, he
turned to the CFO of the hospital and said,? "I notice you buy a lot of
bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little
left to be of any use?"

"Good question ," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to
the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster
purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a
patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him
with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer
and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains
from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all
the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year
they send us a complete prick."
HAPPY APRIL 15 !!!!!

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie. He tests it on his son at supper. Father asks his son, "Where were you last night?" Son replies, "I was at the library." Robot slaps son. "Ok I was at a friends house." "Doing what?" asked the father. "Watching a movie." says the son. "What movie?" asks the father. "Toy Story." Robot slaps son. "Ok it was porn!" cried the son. Father yells, "What?! When I was your age I didn't know what
porn was!" Robot slaps the father. The mother laughs and says "He certainly is your son." Robot slaps the mother.

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money?"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido signs back, "OK.!!!! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

> FIRST DEGREE
> A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
> at 2 in the morning.The very blonde wife picked up the phone,
> listened a moment and said 'How should I know; that's 200 miles
> from here!' and hung up.
> The husband said, 'Who was that?'
>
> The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast
> is clear.'
>
> SECOND DEGREE
> Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
> sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
> and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
>
> The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
>
> So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
> The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
>
> THIRD DEGREE
> A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
> buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
> door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
> angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is
> overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
>
> The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
> The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
>
> FOURTH DEGREE
> A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
> She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'
>
> A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
> The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.'
>
> FIFTH DEGREE
> Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
> A: 'Is it mine?'
>
> SIXTH DEGREE
> Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
> Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
> Roe vs. Wade was about.
>
> Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
> George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'
>
> SEVENTH DEGREE
> Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
> ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
> reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
> and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond..
>
> As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
> blonde
> ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
> sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
> home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and
> what do
> they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
>
> OKAY, FORWARD THIS TO ANYONE ELSE
> YOU MIGHT THINK NEEDS A LAUGH TODAY

A young 7 year old boy goes up to his father and asks him, 'Dad, what is the difference between "potentially" & "realistically"?'

He thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother

and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars ...

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's
to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs
of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
asleep".

Why does God bless women with yeast infections?


So that they know what it's like to live with an "irritated cunt""

The Frozen Skunk

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.
Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O. K., Get in the car with it."
Where shall I put it to get it warm?" She says.
"Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there"
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its little nose."
The man is expected to recover; but the Frozen skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

goodin

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook".

Senior Wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

Little Johnny's chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.

He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

A former Navy Seal took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the
school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster
cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt
and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to
the toughest students in the school.

The smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former
Seal, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in
the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the
window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap,
he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence.... He had no trouble with discipline the rest of the year.

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,

Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Johnny, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies,
"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable,


Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed

Johnny has put so much thought into this.

"Well Johnny, it seems like you have everything figured out.

I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says,

"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable..

That little Shit Ass

Leave it to Little Johnny.