Morning funny....

How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia . We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the "Man Who Orders Three Beers" became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers.

The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of one of your brothers. You know-the two beers and all."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that both my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, me-self, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

Joke with a moral....


Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.
The King immediately summoned Nick . . .

--------------------------------

The moral of the story - Pay your bills

double Post Dan......

Definition of Irony



The food stamp program, part of the Department of Agriculture, is pleased to be distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever.

Meanwhile, the Park Service, also part of the Department of Agriculture, asks us to "please do not feed the animals" because the animals may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.

Blondie goes to the vet with her goldfish
"I think it's got epilepsy" she tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Blondie says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Blondie spies a letter lying on her doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the
bloody thing up.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Blondie shouts frantically into the phone "My friend is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", she shouts, "this is her best friend, Blondie!"


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Blondie's dog goes missing and she's inconsolable.

Her boyfriend says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" the boyfriend asks.

"Here boy, come to mommy" she replies.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Blondie's in jail. Guard looks in the cell and sees her hanging by her
feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself" she replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I know" says Blondie "but I couldn't breathe".

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

An American tourist asks Blondie: "Why do Scuba divers always
fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Blondie replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be
in the boat, silly !"

The girls...


I was in the pub on Saturday night. I noticed two large girls by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I said "Hi, are you two girls from Scotland ?"

One of them chirped "It's WALES you freaking idiot !!!"

So I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"

jasonf wrote:The girls...


I was in the pub on Saturday night. I noticed two large girls by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I said "Hi, are you two girls from Scotland ?"

One of them chirped "It's WALES you freaking idiot !!!"

So I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"

LMFAO!

A Coloradan and a Texan were hunting in the Hill Country when an illegal alien runs across the field.

The Texan takes careful aim, shoots, and kills him.

"You can't do that!" cried the Coloradan.

"No, no, it's legal here in Texas " replies the Texan.

Later that night the Coloradan goes and buys some beer and puts it on the roof of his truck to open the door.

Just then an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away. The Coloradan thinks "No problem" draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.

As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest him.

"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Texas !" protests the Coloradan.

"Well yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."

The Bridge

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish....’



The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'



The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.



God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought..
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is "having company for dinner."
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated, and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."

Subject: Logic #2

Hard to argue this logic......

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful then a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Here is proof that they are wrong.

A year or so after giving birth a women will often say "it would be nice to have another child".

You never hear a guy say " I would really like another kick in the nuts".

Case closed

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator....'

Who says old men can't think fast !!

BRAVE MAN JOKES

1 -How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

2 -What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.


3 - Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of boobs in there..

4 - How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

5 - Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

6 - What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

7 - If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

8 - Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

9 - Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

10 - Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

11 - If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

12 - Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

13 - Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbsheat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gascools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law statesthat in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hellbreaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of adivine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+. SOOO, now all of you sinners have nothing to worry about - personally, I've pretty much been pure.

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller,

and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great..........some asshole's got my pen!'

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus
stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height
of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again,
much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know
who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends."

Cowboy: "That your dog?"

Indian: "Yep."

Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief!)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of TOTAL amazement!!)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie."
I know you're smiling! :-)

Nice !!!

http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/pet-hippo/pmnot8a?q=Hippo&rel=msn&from=en-us_msnhp&form=msnrll

IMO dog or a cat would be a better pet, think about picking up the shit

Redneck Medical Dictionary
Rednecks have the lowest stress rate
because they do not take medical terminology seriously.
You are going to die anyway, so live life!

Medical Term---------to----------Redneck Definition

Artery -------------------------- The study of paintings
Bacteria ------------------------ Back door to cafeteria
Barium ------------------------- What doctors do when patients die
Benign -------------------------- What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section --------------- A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan ------------------------ Searching for Kitty
Cauterize ----------------------- Made eye contact with her
Colic ---------------------------- A sheep dog
Coma --------------------------- A punctuation mark
Dilate --------------------------- To live long
Enema -------------------------- Not a friend
Fester -------------------------- Quicker than someone else
Fibula --------------------------- A small lie
Impotent ------------------------ Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain --------------------- Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff -------------------- A Doctor's cane
Morbid -------------------------- A higher offer
Nitrates ------------------------- Rates of Pay for Working at Night, usually more than Days
Node --------------------------- I knew it
Outpatient ---------------------- A person who has fainted
Pelvis --------------------------- Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative ------------------ A letter carrier
Recovery Room ------------------ Place to do upholstery
Rectum ------------------------- Nearly killed him
Secretion ----------------------- Hiding something
Seizure ------------------------- Roman Emperor
Tablet -------------------------- A small table
Terminal Illness ----------------- Getting sick at the airport
Tumour ------------------------- One plus one more
Urine --------------------------- Opposite of you're out