Morning funny....

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
With his secretary.

One day they went to her place
And made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
And woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
And told his lover to take his shoes
Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary..
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
But always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
For the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
And delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
To see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
He had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
Be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair Censored

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The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
When she heard her husband
Opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
Then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
She said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
As he entered the room..

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
So I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
Not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
Went to the kitchen and returned
With a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
And nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
Went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed...

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
And a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
With your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
To his business down here.'

The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace..
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

...One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today .' He said 'Just give it to me and I'll explain it later,'
She did, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the
total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist.. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.

Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but
a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to
discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after
death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

Now that was a good one Doug.

After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked in a mirror...remembering the time with Bill Clinton.

Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help..."God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.



And just like that, her ears fell off!

lmao...

Nice !!

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.

I tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, my wife Karen is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me,'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite'

CHEVY TRUCK

I stopped by the Collier Chevrolet Dealership in Stuart
yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup. Just for fun,
I took it out for a test drive to Hobe Sound, Fl. I wanted to sense that
new “feel” before they become extinct.
The salesman (a black man wearing an Obama “Change” lapel pin) sat in
the passenger seat describing the truck and all its “wonderful” options.
The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats
directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to
your butt in the summer heat.
Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a
Romney truck.
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Romney truck.
I explained that if it were an Obama truck, the seats would blow smoke
up your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership...damn guy had no sense of humor.

John Cleese Letter to USA

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,you will go metric with immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Knat's Urine,with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen,Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

John Cleese

funny , but that dude is stuck inside his border . he should get out more often .

DanH wrote: funny , but that dude is stuck inside his border . he should get out more often .

Its pretty old..... about 1999 or 2000.

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and, one night, he's doing a show
in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through
his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts
shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you
think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way?
What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human
being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work
and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its
people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and
your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes,
but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age. (I will soon turn Sixty -Three).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,..


'Then, why do you even give a shit?'

funny , but that dude is stuck inside his border . he should get out more often .

Cleese has lived in the US since the early 90's. I can promise you that Americans aren't the only ones to feel the sting of his wit

StephenW wrote:

funny , but that dude is stuck inside his border . he should get out more often .

Cleese has lived in the US since the early 90's. I can promise you that Americans aren't the only ones to feel the sting of his wit

then he should get to know the USA and the rest of the planet .

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding he died as we were checking into our honey moon hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

The teacher was asking her students what they wanted to be when they grow up.

It was Johnny's turn.

Johnny:

I wanna be a billionaire and go to expensive clubs. Find a bitch there, buy her a million dollar apartment in Vegas. Get her a Ferrari. Buy her a beach house in Miami, a jet to fly with, get her expensive jewelry and have sex with her 3 times a day.

The teacher was at a loss for words and didn't know what to do. She just proceeded along and asked Alice what she wanted to be.

Alice replied:

"Without a doubt ma'am, I’d like to be Johnny's bitch!!"

dfree383 wrote:A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding he died as we were checking into our honey moon hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

forgot to say the first two were republican's and the forth is a chinaman.

everything today is offshore

Socially Unacceptable Humor

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa ! Who knew?

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two dark men wearing hoodies arrived. St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back."

St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone."

The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

"No. The Pearly Gates."

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince,
she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching
the world go by from her front porch, with a cat
named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the
fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you
doing here after all these years'?

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have
lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there
anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,
'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'

The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful
young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the
corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob,
my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental
a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said,
'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments,

Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his
warm breath as he whispered...

'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off'

A woman was looking at the animals on display in a pet store. A few minutes later, a man walked in and said to the shopkeeper 'I'll take a Construction Monkey, please'. The shopkeeper nodded and took a monkey out of a cage. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the man, saying,'That'll be $5,000.' The man paid and left with the monkey. The surprised woman went to the shopkeeper and said, 'That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much? 'The shopkeeper answered, 'Ah, that's a Construction Monkey. He can drive trucks, set forms, erect steel & equipment and run pipe. All with no back talk or complaints. He's well worth the money.' The woman then spotted a monkey in another cage. 'That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?' 'Oh, that one' replied the shopkeeper. 'That's a ' Construction Manager, he can read drawings, answer RFI's, make as-build's and inspect quality. A very useful monkey indeed.' The woman looked around a little longer and found a monkey with a $50,000 price tag. The shocked woman exclaimed, 'This one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world can it do? 'Well,' said the shopkeeper, 'I've never actually seen him do anything except drink beer and play with his dick...... But his papers say he's an Professional Engineer.

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms