Morning funny....

Post some jokes man ! It's a morning funny thread ! We need jokes!

An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. she searched and Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog.
As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, “I’m lonely too, buy me and you won’t be sorry.”
The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn’t found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, “Kiss me, you won’t be sorry.” So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.
Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?
The first motel she could find. (She’s old, not dead!)

 

At a Bar in Scotland ......................

I was standing in a bar in Glasgow yesterday and this little Chinese
guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like
Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the f--k you ask me dat? Is it coz I Chinee?"

"No", I say, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."

dfree383 wrote:Post some jokes man ! It's a morning funny thread ! We need jokes!

                                                                                                                                     
Bob and his wife go out on a nice ride to get away from the house and see the sights, as the weather was clear and it was a very nice day. They work alot and don't often don't get the chance. Also Bob and his wife had a bad trip once and he was still a little gunshy about going again. Everything was going great, plenty of sights, and beautiful birds of different varieties, and the smell in the air was even great. Then Bob's fear of the last trip re appeared. Out of the blue he and his wife got into a fight. She wanted to get out and leave. So Bob stopped as she requested and begged her not to. She got out and left any way. Bob sat there a while and waited for her to get back in and lost sight of her. He circled back around and still could not find her. He was almost out of gas, and decided to head home, and maybe pick her up on the way back, if she changed her mind, and wanted, to go back with him by then, and had cooled off a little.. He made it home, and did not see her on the way back. A few days went by, and Bob was worried, as she had not called, and her friends  had not heard from her either, as she had her cell phone when she got out, and would have called one them, for a ride back. After about the 3rd day the Cops came to talk to Bob, about his missing wife, Bob figured she had sent then, as this happened before, and was the reason Bob was leary of taking here out together again. Well it was worse than Bob anticipated, They Arrested him for murder. When Bob appeared before the Judge, Which happened to be involved, when he and his wife had a problem before, and gave him Strict Instructions to follow, at the threat of serious jail time, if he did not. Well Bob thought he did what he was told to do to the letter of the Judge's instructions, and all would turn out OK. Bob asked the Judge were he had gone wrong. Bob let her out as the Judge had told him, and as soon as she Asked. He Waited for her to Cool off, Which should not have taken long, especially in this case. He doubled back to see if she would get back in the vehicle. Everthing to the letter he thought. The Judge even threatened Bob with Kiddnapping, the last time if he din't stop and let her out as soon as she requested, which Bob had done. The Judge agreed with Bob on everything, and was about to cry, as he felt bad for his instructions to Bob in hind Sight. How could the Judge have known. Bob might have had a small idea, but he was doing what the Judge ordered, and his wife threatened to jump out anyway, if he did not stop, so would have it made any difference, in the outcome. Bob's wife does not float, can't swim and it was a boat.That's why I won't ride in a boat, a woman own's, and I am not Captian of, it's a long swim back unless you are Jesus and can walk on water. Riding Bitch in their car is Risky Enough. The end

A male whale and a
female whale
were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.
The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his
father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both
swim under the ship and blow out our air hole at the same time and it
should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure
enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon, however, the
whales realized the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore.
The male whale was enraged that they were going to get away and told
the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach
the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow
him.



"Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely
refuse to swallow the seamen."

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The man replied,"I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment.
I spit on your ties. I need water!”
"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk -and only $5."
"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me,
or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go in peace."
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and gasped,
"They won't let me in without a tie!”

A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their
beer and whiskey, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
"No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 120 mph, sir.' The driver says, ' Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.' Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.' As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can you please keep your mouth shut for once?' The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.' As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?' The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $150 fine.' The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket' The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.' And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up? The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
I love this part... :
'Only when he's drunk!

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.

Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something
I've never done before: I took a taxi home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they
waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise. I have
never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it.

A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulled out a large syringe to give an anaesthetic shot.

"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man exclaimed.

So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!

The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill. "No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."

So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them. "What are those?" he asked.

"Viagra," she replied.

"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

After an examination, the doctor said to his patient: 'You appear to be in
good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly;
and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."

When the doctor examined his wife a short time later he said, 'Everything appears to be fine.

Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that
he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty
after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?'

"Oh, that crazy old coot'' she replied, "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in July!"

Retirement Job:

Someone asked me what I do since I have retired.. Do I have a job?
I replied, “I am my wife's sexual adviser."
Somewhat shocked, they said, "What do you mean by that?"
"Very simple," I said.
"My wife told me that when she wants my f@%#ing advice, she'll ask for it... 

woman goes to the hospital. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.

"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."

The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off your bananas."

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him,

'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me.'

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss". The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass".
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios".

WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know", he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios"..

AGING OPTIMIST

Ya know, when I was 25 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands!

By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried real hard.

By the time I was 60, I could bend it 20 degrees, no problem!

I'm gonna be 70 next week, and I can bend it in half with one hand!

So what's your point, his friend asks?

Well, I'm just wondering, How much stronger I'm gonna get?

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy Damn! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel.
A short time later, the guy is sitting on he bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
"$1,500."
I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,
"How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

Two Prostitutes - $50.00.

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:

'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter - $50

Thats a good one  

Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around' he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, y'know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.'
Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence...
'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:
'A pumpkin?
Shit ... is it midnight already?'
The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10. and sent on his way.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..



The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mother he needs Viagra.

The mom asks, "Why on earth do you need that?"

The boy replys, "isn't that what you give dad when HIS shit won't get hard?"

Jess

Getting Even

An old man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. The whole town feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he finally died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the funeral.


After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won't ask for directions."

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"