Morning funny....

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fucked, laddie?"

The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".

She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."

My wife says to me the other night ..."How come we don't make love like they do in the movies?"

So I bent her over the table, slapped her on each ass cheek a dozen times, rammed it in, grabbed her by the hair and yanked her neck back so she'd be forced to watch me jackhammer her from behind then flipped her over and came on her face...

She was pissed ...Turns out we don't watch the same movies.

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.


The first Catholic man tells his friends,

"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."


The second Catholic man chirps,

"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic gent says,

"My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."


The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,

"My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies,

"I have a daughter,

SLIM

TALL

38D BREASTS

24"WAIST and

36"HIPS.

When she walks into a room, people say,

"Jesus Christ !".

Can I get a AMEN

AAAAAAAAAAmen !!!

Thought you might want to consider getting on board early....

A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.

Wooden Ball...

A old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When the barber's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little
ball.

The barber replied,"Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"

Number 1:

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

Number 2:

In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."

NUMBER 3

Dana Perino (FOX News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy SEAL. After discussing all the countries that he had been sent to, she asked if they had to learn several languages?

"Oh, no ma'am, we don't go there to talk."

NUMBER 4

Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai.

Iranian Air Defense Site: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Site: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 Fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Air Defense Site: ( ... total silence)

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

This is even funnier when you realize it's real!

Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below.


~Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office.

I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive..

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.' Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!

Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift. Regards, Bob

Finally, a blonde joke with some Canadian content....
> As a Portage la Prai rie trucker stops for a red light on Hwy.1, a
> Blonde catches up.. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his
> Truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the
> Window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you
> Are losing some of your load!"
>
> The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
> When the truck stops for another red light, the girl
> Catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and
> Knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
>
> As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,
> "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are
> Losing some of your load!"
>
> Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and
> Continues down the street. At the third red light, the same jj
> Thing happens again.
>
> All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up,
> Knocks on the truck door.
> The trucker lowers the window.. Again she says, "Hi, my
> Name is Heather, and you are
> Losing some of your load!"
>
> When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to
> The next light When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets
> Out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on
> Her window, and as she lowers it, he says,..............
>
> "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA , and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK.........."
>

Here's a little fact for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

The Goldberg Brothers were the Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner'
on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --

Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

Control yourself !!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bsz9nw9WiKA&NR=1&feature=endscreen

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYslhL71k1M

Hearing the crash, a woman who lived on the golf course came out of her house and yelled over to him.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"A few cuts and bruises," he said, "but nothing seems broken."

"Come up to the house and let's get some bandages," she said.

"No," he said. "My wife wouldn't like that."

"You're hurt!" she insisted. "Come in!"

She got some antiseptic and bandages and cleaned him up, but he was in obvious pain.

"Do you want a drink?" she asked.

"I'd love one," he said, "but my wife would be very unhappy."

"Nonsense!" she said, pouring a drink. "You're in obvious pain, and you need something."

As she tended to him he became aroused and she noticed. She began taking off her clothes.

"Wait!" he said. "My wife will be furious!"

"Don't be silly," she said. "You've had a trauma and this will be better than anesthesia."

Afterwards, he began to dress quickly. "Where are you running off to?" she asked.

"My wife is going to kill me!" he said..

"She'll never know anything happened," said the woman. "Where is she, anyway?"

"Under the golf cart," he said.

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the nearby brothels in Harrumph.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable,
hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded
"Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner,
"but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

NOW you know what's wrong with the AUTO industry and the seniority system in the House and Senate.

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'


The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.







The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.




























As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'














































































--




--

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there.
Its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!

Mexican Invasion

A U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a rowboat rowing towards California.

The captain gets on the loudspeaker and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken from us by the U.S. during the 1800's."

The entire crew of the destroyer is doubled-over in laughter.

When the captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loudspeaker and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

Live Forever

I met a fairy the other day and she said she would grant me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant that particular wish."

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die the day after Congress gets their heads out of their asses!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.

She asked ... How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

"You'll be fine," he said.

The surgeon seemed to pause. Then a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied ... Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

https://youtu.be/jv6MgODqMZc

https://youtu.be/b2p_Q8m0H-E

Nice !! Fracking Gasholes !!!

Gotta love those luxury backhoes.